Monday, July 7, 2014

Close the door and turn the corner, Reya.

One thing the Voice in the Shower told me at winter solstice is that the coming year would put spunk in my buzzer. It is such an unusual phrase, I wrote it down, put it on the fridge where I could see it every day. I didn't want to forget.

Right after that I began wishing for a gentle 2014. I guess it scared me a little bit.

Fridge, upper lefthand corner.

With some trepidation I awaited the buzz, the spunk. When I bought the ticket to Paris, I felt sure that would be part of it. However, I was anything but buzzy or spunky while in Paris, or even after I returned. I did have that fabulous moment at the Eiffel tower, so maybe I shouldn't altogether dismiss the trip as a piece of this prophecy. There's surely a way that a soul retrieval must put spunk in one's buzzer, eh? For sure.

Today I was thinking that the mockingbirds who nested in the front yard brought a great deal of spunk and a whole lot of buzz into the feng shui of the garden, and into my heart, too. They are not exactly restrained in their behavior, especially when nesting. They don't hold back or think about how to behave appropriately. They are not polite. What I'm thinking about today is that their behavior has nothing to do with being mean. It's instinctual. Their fierceness is part of the survival instinct. I couldn't judge them, even when Big Daddy was scaring me half to death, dive bombing me. (Eventually he accepted me, begrudgingly, it seemed, as part of the landscape. Those first few encounters were harrowing.)

Several situations that have been brewing came to a head recently, not all of them in the most graceful ways. For instance, I had to say goodbye to a client I've seen for many years. The problems have been just under the surface for a long time, especially in the last year, but I intended to carry on because this client has become very dear to me over the years in spite of our differences. I have been biting my tongue, trying not to say what I was thinking. It has been an effort.

As it turned out, carrying on was not possible. One day my mouth opened and I said a bunch of things I've been thinking. I'm not proud of my behavior but it did the trick, helped me turn a corner that badly needed turning. It was definitive. I think in the moment of speaking up, I was channeling the mocks in some way or another.  Maybe I shouldn't blame them.

I'm grateful to my fabulous sisters for helping me walk through the process of letting go, for helping me think clearly, with kindness. I still feel a little shaky about the decision, even though I believe in my heart of hearts that what happened was for the best. Shaking is a type of buzz, right? It's a slow motion buzz.

Everything has a lifespan - everything comes to an end. OK then, onwards and upwards.

Speaking of endings, my ex housemate's father died last night. Today I've been listening to the jazz CDs he made for me years ago. He was old and very ill, but of course his passing is still extremely sad. May his spirit fly high.

My ex housemate's father, back in the day. He was quite dashing.

Life is short. Carpe diem. I plan to seize this day at least. I'll take a short wander in the punishing heat - because I enjoy that sort of thing - come home, shower and cook a nice dinner for myself. I've got the Grand Budapest Hotel queued up on the iPad. After that I hope for a peaceful sleep. May it be so.

Life is good and I am grateful, even for the shakes (sometimes), also for the spunk or lack thereof. Change is life and change is a necessary thing. In Chinese medicine it's believed that change is so important, if things don't change, disease will result. So be it. Shalom.

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