Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Rites of Spring

Romantic love was never my best thing. The men I was drawn to were so wrong for me. I wonder about that. Why? What was I thinking?

During my 20s and 30s my goal was The One, the Soul Mate, True Love. It was a charming fantasy that didn't pan out. Sometime during my 30s I shifted gears, to the idea that I should be looking for security and stability. This is why I married my ex husband, because he had a beautiful house and money. He was an interesting man but deeply haunted. I knew it when I married him but thought it was a reasonable trade off.

Well. That didn't work out! Oh my god.

What would I even want from a boyfriend at this point, now that I'm in my 60s? He most certainly wouldn't have to be The One - for heaven's sake, is there such a thing for a character like me? I doubt it! And I've lived so many years on my own, I no longer think in terms of finding someone else to provide stability. Stability? What's stability?

Marriage? I am not at all concerned about that either. Been there, done that, have the big diamond as a souvenir.

It would be nice to have someone to make dinner for, watch movies with. It would be great to have someone to take to parties - I'm often the only single person in a sea of couples. I'm very comfortable among my friends and neighbors who are almost all of them married, with kids, but wouldn't it be nice to show up at social fetes with a date now and again? My friends would be astonished. It would almost be worth it for that. How fun would it be if I had someone to go to Paris with?

It's all in the realm of my imagination of course. I'm thinking about it because I can sniff spring in the air even though it snowed today and is pretty cold. The angle of Brother Sun can not be denied, and even at my age, I can feel the energy of spring. I surely can.

As it snowed I listened to Mozart, gazed out the window, drank tea. My mind spun out a variety of narratives as I sat, waiting impatiently for spring.

Tomorrow I'll be working, a great thing because when I work, I think about the person I'm working with, not about my lifelong blind spot when it comes to romantic love. I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all, by the way. It's more of an amusement, this train of thought.

Winter has been long, bitter, and severe. Spring fever is already biting my butt. Oh yeah!


  1. It sounds like you definitely have spring fever!

    I think when we're younger, a lot of us labor under the illusion that we will find one, transporting love who will bond to us forever and make us complete. All that Hollywood stuff. As you get older you realize that's not how love works at all -- at least, not any love that lasts. It's more about comfort and companionability, and having the support of another -- a true "partner." That's my theory anyway.

    I'm not sure I'd think of your perspective as a "blind spot" -- after all, you had relationships. Whether they last or not almost doesn't count. You still had them. And just think, now you don't have to do anyone else's laundry or wait for them to finish in the bathroom!

  2. I found the one but the years that followed were no freaking fairy tale. It's been a lot of heartache, sadness, work, and determination and I have often wondered why I stuck it out.